A Collection of Aperture Weirdness
by Rated PG-13
Summary: A collection of portal one-shots! Enjoy! Rated T for Totally Awesome.
1. Chapter 1

**Yeah, Imma do some Portal oneshots to vent my obsession and practice my writing, so here... we... go!**

Caroline held her baby girl to her chest. Cave was shaking his head in disapproval. She knew what he would say. He had said it many times before. They couldn't keep the child. People would know. Aperture was a company that employed thousands of geniuses. At least one would figure it out.

The girl was staring up at her, eyes wide. She didn't understand what was happening, any of it. Caroline felt a tear run down her cheek. It narrowly missed her little daughter's grasping hand and plummeted to the floor.

Cave grabbed her hand. "Please, Caroline, you have to understand. I love her too- she's my daughter as well, remember? But I'm _married. _My wife will know. She's already suspicious, and if all of a sudden you show up with a child, my marriage will go to hell."

Caroline's expression turned bitter. "So that's it. You love her more then me and the baby you put in my belly."

"No, no! I love you, Caroline, ever since I laid eyes on you. You're the most beautiful woman I have ever met and if I could leave with you now and spend the rest of my life with you, I would, but it doesn't work that way. If I divorced my wife, she'd get half of Aperture- and even more then little Michelle, Aperture is my baby, Caroline. You know that."

"You should have considered that before we went to bed together."

"I know, I know, baby, and I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. But it happened, and now we have to face the consequences."

Caroline almost laughed. "How funny you would say that, when you seem dead-set on _avoiding_ the consequences."

"We can make the best of it, honey. Give Michelle up for adoption to one of the scientists. I trust them, and you'll still be able to see her on a regular basis."

"Are you kidding me? You and I both know that you only employ nutjobs here! I'm not letting them get near my baby girl!"

Cave pulled her into a hug. "They're not all bad, baby. Some of them have families. You'll see. Bring Your Daughter To Work Day is coming up. You'll see."

**Let me know if you like it by reviewing, please! They'll probably all be short little things like this, but some will probably be funny while some are more serious.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chell glared at the repulsion gel. It was sitting there, coating the floor, taunting her with all its blue stickiness. She knew she had to get this _just _right, or else she'd have to move the portals to get back up to the precarious platform she was currently balanced on, and then place them in just the right spot again to prepare for what she was about to attempt.

She bent her knees, glancing upward to ensure that the orange portal was in place above her head.

She looked across the room, seeing the glow of the blue portal.

She was ready.

Chell jumped off the platform, getting ready to jump when she hit the gel in case she didn't have enough momentum built up from her fall to hit the orange portal on the ceiling. She jumped at the very moment that the gel touched her boots and sent her flying upwards.

She curled into a ball mid-air.

And accomplished the world's first-ever quadruple somersault through a portal.

"WHEEEEEE!"

**I know, it's short, but this is something I always picture Chell doing when she's not solving tests or kicking ass. FUN WITH PORTALS!**


	3. Chapter 3

"SPACE! Space, space, space. I'm in space," the corrupted core rambled, its yellow optic darting around as though it only had a limited amount of time to see everything that space had to offer. Why, there were stars, stars... stars... oh, who was he kidding, space was bloody BORING.

Wheatley wished he was like Spacey, as he had taken to calling his only companion. If he was corrupted, he would at least be able to enjoy the predicament he was in- that being, he was currently orbiting Earth without any companionship aside from the corrupted core, who did nothing but talk about space.

Wheatley wondered if it was possible for a core to go insane from boredom. He was fairly sure he wasn't programmed for that, but when you give a robot artificial intelligence, all sorts of interesting things could happen. _She_ certainly hadn't been programmed to kill everyone with Her neurotoxin, but that certainly hadn't stopped Her.

Wheatley hated himself for still not being able to even think Her name. G... G... GLa... Nope, not doing it. Not like She could even get to him out here in space, but he supposed that was part of his punishment. No quick, merciful end for old Wheatley. He'd usurped Her facility and completely wrecked up the place, not to mention putting Her in a potato.

That was the just the sort of stupid thing he would expect of himself. Stupid old Wheatley. Just an intelligence dampening sphere. He didn't even realize he was saying all of this out loud until the other core looked at him inquisitively and asked, "Space?"

"Yeah, mate. Space," Wheatley agreed. Good thing he had Tetris.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you so much for your review, Kyle Stoppard! :D**

Dr. Mike Tilly scratched his head with a pencil as he stared at the next order sheet he was supposed to finalize.

"Boss!" he shouted.

His boss, a man named Reginald Wild, took his sweet time getting there. "What seems to be the problem, Doctor Tilly?"

Mike pointed to a section on the form. "Aperture Science ordered eighty tons of moon rocks yesterday, sir."

"That's awesome! And here I was worried about us not turning a profit! How much is that, like seventy mil?"

"About. Now, look at this section, right here. Where it says 'Intended Use?'"

"What about it?"

"Read it. Out loud."

_"I intend to grind the rocks into a fine powder and then snort them, as one would cocaine," _Reggie read before bursting out into laughter. "Oh, that's a good one, Mikey, you almost had me!"

Mike shook his head vigorously. "Sir, the order sheet said that when it came in. Moon rocks can be toxic, sir, I really don't think we should-"

Reggie cut him off. "Come on, Mike, do you really think anyone would be crazy enough to huff moon rocks? Who would even think of that? It was just a joke. Finalize the order, buddy, I want to see that seventy million in my bank account by sundown."

Mike sighed and sent the order.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry I've been gone for a while. School's been busy. **

"Why do you want it to think it's an astronaut again?"

"Because if we all need to make a core, why don't we have some fun with it?"

Rattman massaged his temples for a moment, trying to make sense of the other scientist's argument. "But it won't serve any _purpose._"

Dr. Philson shrugged. The gesture looked a little ridiculous when combined with his lab coat and welding goggles. "It might. You never know. What did you do for yours?"

Rattman looked a little ashamed. "Cake mix," he muttered.

Philson cackled, clearling enjoying having caught his colleage in a moment of hypocrisy. "Well, what do you think that will do?"

"I thought the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System could use it to reward the test subjects with cake when they were finished testing," Rattman defended weakly. He had figured cake would be a really good motivator, because a lot of the test subjects now were homeless bums who probably had never even tasted cake.

"Well, at least I had a use in mind for mine," Rattman said. "I don't see how a Space Core will- BE CAREFUL WITH THAT!"

Distracted, the hand that was holding the welding torch had strayed dangerously close to one of the A.I.'s central processors, busting it and leaving a smoking wreck in its place. Rattman and Philson both dove to the ground to avoid the shower of sparks and miniature explosion that had just gone off.

The core's yellow optic had gone dim, and Rattman sighed as he shakily pulled himself to his feet. "No way will you be able to rebuild that for tomorrow."

Philson shrugged. "Eh, I'll just wing it. It's not like they'll ever use any of these extra cores."


End file.
